If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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