how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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