Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
