i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She's the barista slut.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
