They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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