my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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