I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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