I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
