I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
