I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
