I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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