Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
