No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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