She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
