Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
