So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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