Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
