woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
