call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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