he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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