I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
