my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
