Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
