By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
