Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
