I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
