I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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