I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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