i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
