But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
