i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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