Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
