i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
