so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
