You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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