the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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