Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
