youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The uberlube is also flammable
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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