Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
