She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
