I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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