I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
