Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
