so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
