dude i'm inner monologue high
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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