She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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