you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
