now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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