my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
