none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i think i have two assholes
I'm passing your future prison.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
